More Mad Men: I Didn't Like It (Don't Hurt Me!)

Am I the only person on earth who thought this episode bordered on disaster? I thought a lot of the acting looked like they were shooting a rehearsal. There are visual anachronisms all over the place, in dress, hairstyle (Peggy's hairdo is still a couple of years away from popularity, and her "boy toy" young Brad Pitt look-alike co-worker has a ridiculously modern haircut! ), set design and art direction. Roger really has a space-age office from the 70's? Yes, these things were entering the mainstream no too soon after the 1964 World's Fair, but I found it out of place and off-putting.

As for Don's "well appointed" new "digs" in the West Village? I know the writers and creator are going for heavy symbolism here, with Don's private life being squalid and dark, but I don't buy it. That neighborhood in the 60's was hedonistic and somewhat dangerous. He brings his kids there? His old beatnik girlfriend had a nicer place. Old, dark, beat up decor that smacks of "furnished apartment"? Don has more money than ever, has been used to a fabulous lifestyle for quite some time, and I would think that when he asked Joan to find him an apartment that she would not ever find him that dump, no matter how hard they want to drive home Don's private tortured symbolism. He polishes his own shoes? Please, he gets them polished at the train station or at work like everyone else in that time period.

The new offices? Everyone keeps going on and on about how "new, open, and fabulous" they are. Really? They look to me like they were conceived to symbolize a rat's maze--all narrow corridors and right angles and walls, walls, walls. Even if they are made of glass. You'll notice we were shown the low ceilings over and over to close us in. We were also shown on at least two occasions that those walls are paper-thin; everyone can hear everyone else. As for the lack of a conference table? Roger can have an office full of the most cutting-edge expensively made furniture on earth but they can't afford a conference table? It just doesn't wash. Many things about the office are too modern: the yin-yang Miramekko peacock textile print behind Peggy's desk, Don's blue Italian Murano glass mod ashtray, Roger's mushroom desk and arc lamps. My guess is that they feel these things will fit in fine by the end of the season (late 1965) and were too cheap and/or lazy so they just plunked them there now.

I also don't buy the fact that Henry would spend one night in Don and Betty's old house. Not one. He convinced her at her attorney consultation about the divorce that he would provide her with everything--he didn't want Don owing her a thing. And now he's freeloading in their old house? Trying to screw Don's wife in their old bedroom? Has Matt Weiner ever been in a relationship? He magically erased Henry of his pride and Betty of her territorial nature as a woman.

Sorry to keep complaining, but the whole ham actresses-fighting-in-a-supermarket scenario rings false as well...if you've ever met or worked with an actor in NYC. Those two women would never have gone to the police. They are actresses hired by a big ad agency in New York--they would never jeopardize the possibility of being hired again. Never. The "ham" was the best symbolism of the night. I think a lot of the activity on this episode rang false because they propelled the action by what they wanted to show us quickly in one hour.

After watching this episode a few times, it still smacks of wrong in a lot of ways to me...like somebody putting ketchup on a doughnut. Am I the only one who feels this way?

"Happy Spanksgiving!" or...Mad Men Season 4 Premiere: Where the Hell is the Baby?

First things first--Don Draper's first date on tonight's premiere of Mad Men wears a beautiful white dress trimmed with...you guessed it...hair! Ha! Okay, now that that's out of the way, there are a lot of puzzles and sizzles in tonight's episode.

Number one--All I kept wondering about the whole episode (practically from the first sentence when the Ad Age interviewer refers to Don as being married with "two" children) is what happened to the baby? Betty and her new husband (yuck, the two of them actually doing it!) don't have it, she says Carla has it, and Don certainly doesn't have it with the other two kids for the weekend. At one point when arguing about moving, Betty says, "...haven't the kids been through enough change?" Uh-oh...the last time we saw little Gene he was in Mama's arms flying to Reno for a D-I-V-O-R-C-E . Did little Sally freak out and toss him out the window? Wrap him in a dry-cleaning bag? Put him in the washing machine? She is definitely turning out to be a "Bad Seed" knock off. Hmmmm.....the mystery promises to unfold, because the baby isn't in any preview material for next week's episode.

Other things about this week's episode that I find disturbing: we have jumped to November of 1964, but the visual department of the show (not the costumes, though) seemed to have jumped to 1967 and beyond. I hate to say it, but for the first time the art direction rings false in several places, which makes me sad. Some random observances...Roger would NEVER have had a white vinyl and chrome chair with the white plastic signature mushroom mod lamp on his desk. It was like they walked through one of the doors in the office into 1968. Also, Don has an uncharacteristically mod Italian Murano glass ashtray on his coffee table. Again, 67-68. Peggy's hairdo is strictly 1966--the invention of Alexandre of Paris that appears originally in the 1967 movie "Valley of the Dolls" on Patty Duke. It was copied into the mainstream thereafter. Not that any of this is that big of a deal, it's just that the show is always leading the way in impeccable television. Tonight they showed some holes in their armor.

(While we're wondering about things)--will Sal ever come back? Everyone says "no", but I have a foolproof storyline that would work. Just hear me out: Sal has gotten another job doing something similar, but wishes desperately to come and be part of the new SCDP. But how can he, their main client is American Tobacco, headed by the closeted-homo Lee, who hit on Sal unsuccessfully in his last episode and had him fired. Somehow (there would be lots of fun ways to do this) Sal gets a piece of blackmail evidence against Lee (pics of him in bed with another man, etc.) and uses it to force Lee to get SCDP to hire him back as Art Director for the account. This would leave a fabulous power-play triangle between Don, Sal, and Lee. Think about it, Matt Weiner.....

And now, to the most erotic thing I believe I have ever seen on television--Don Draper having hot violent sex with a hooker on Thanksgiving. Not only did Don turn down every possible invitation for Thanksgiving, he turned them down to have a dirty-hot slutty red headed hooker come over (obviously, she's been there before) and ride his turkey leg. OMG! There he is, bare chested, on the botttom, screwing the daylights out of said hooker, when she slaps him! I almost made gravy in my pants. And then, to top it off, he says, "Harder!" Well sportsfans....I. Am. Speechless.

I need to go.....

See you next week for another episode,

Chris

Mad Men Jib-Jab Movie!! Starring Me and Meryl Streep!

Click HERE to watch!

MAD MEN Premiere July 25th in Times Square NYC

It's that time again! The world can rejoice that the best show on television returns for it's fourth season. And I don't mean "Keeping up with the Krackheads", either. It's Mad Men! Big Daddy Don Draper, along with Peggy, Betty, Trudy, Pete, Burt, Roger, and the ever-luscious Joan are beaming their way from 1964 into our living rooms for an exciting new season.

Yes, I will be making an appearance at the Times Square Premiere (yippee!) as a judge for the 1960's costume contest that takes place right before they play the first episode on the jumbo screen. So put on your finest garb and join us on the New Frontier...

Click here for details.

Did Freud Drink Gatorade?

Okay, so this morning I am laying in bed with my boyfriend, who happens to like drinking Gatorade after a night of making full man-love (more about that some other time), and I look up in a pre-coffee daze and see a large penis. Upon closer inspection, I realize I am not looking at my boyfriend, but an empty bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand. After all these years, how did it never dawn on me that this bottle is so blatantly phallic? I thought I was gayer than that (watch it!). The bottle looks exactly like a short, thick, squatty penis with a perfectly formed head (see pics above). And people got upset about Joe Camel? You actually put this thing up to your lips and drink from it. Delicious. Who could possibly have that shape of penis, you ask?

Well, in the gay community, this type of penis is referred to as:

a) Beer Can

b) Fire Hydrant

c) Jaw Breaker

In the straight community, I believe this type of penis is referred to as "Ryan Seacrest". I am suddenly so tickled by the idea of major athletes and young stud-muffin hetero boys guzzling greedily from their penis-substitute bottles. Didn't they ever notice? Or is that part of the subliminal ad campaign? Once they realize that they have been blowing their bottles of Gatorade, will they boycott it?

I know I see everything through my pair of Gay Goggles, but really--come on fellas. Take a look. And then try to put that big, fat, hard object up to your mouth without feeling at least a little gay. Freud would have had a field day with this thing--forget cigars and bananas, my manly thirst needs quenching...now! So if you're gay, straight, Tom Cruise or Ryan Seacrest, get out there and play the game. Remember--it's not whether you win or lose--it's if you swallow.

I've always said the straight world has it wrong--gays don't hate sports; we just don't want to leave the locker room.

Seeya soon, Chris

Self Loathing Is Alive And Well In America

No, Nene, no! How could you have done it? What kind of world do we live in where this (formerly) gorgeous woman could look in the mirror and feel such self-loathing about her "ethnic" looking nose that she had a doctor hack into it and make her look like a drag queen at a Mary J. Blige look-alike contest? This "Real" Housewife of Atlanta is now "really" unappealing.

Oh, Nene.....I am stupified. There is no going back from this one, honey. I know how hard it is to keep your name alive in the public psyche, but this kind of stunt is just disgusting. Is she using Heidi Montag as a role model now? Aaaack!! I am so upset. I guest the next stop is Michael Jackson-Land. Will she start bleaching her skin next? What a sad commentary on how shallow and distant we have become from loving our real selves the way they are.

I am going to text Andy Cohen to see if he will talk about this on tonight's "Watch What Happens Live" on Bravo. Maybe he can even get her on the phone to explain her self-mutilating actions. I almost feel like she wants to look thinner without losing weight, or she wants to change her identity because of her (now publicly discovered) dubious parentage.

Goodbye to the old Nene, we'll miss you.

American Midol

I came to watch American Idol very late this season....last week as a matter of fact. And before that, a couple of seasons ago. Why? Just not that interesting. I tend to ask friends who are fans if I am missing anything, and then decide to watch or not. Having worked in theater for many years with some of the best fucking voices you will ever hear, I am super picky about singing talent. American Idol is supposed ("supposed") to bring us the very best the country has to offer. Really? It has become more like the best the country has to offer who will make a fool of themselves on TV for millions of dollars. The singing at the end of this season has been better than some, but let's face it, AI is jumping rope with the shark. They depended on the cutey cutester good looks of Lee Dewyze and that long blonde buffoon boy to keep us interested, while the dreaded dread-lock monster Crystal Bowersox (should have changed your name, honey!) swept the floor with them using her Janis Joplin-lite singing persona.

Crystal has knocked a couple of performances out of the ballpark, and if she doesn't win, it will be another manipulation of the outcome to suit the suits in charge of demographics, sales numbers, and Q ratings. She has stood out from the beginning, with her "I made my own dread-locks from yarn" look down to her own personal 5-foot tall bong microphone stand. Plus, she has more natural musicality and vocal talent than all the others combined. And yet, she isn't THAT astonishing. I wouldn't buy her album on ITunes, I wouldn't pay to see her sing in person; she just isn't that engaging. What ever happened to the people who wanted to be "Stars" with a capital "S"? That type that has waited their entire life to step onto a stage and change the world with one note? Perhaps that was left to the amazing Susan Boyle, who changed the world and millions of people in it with a 3-minute act of bravery. She KNEW what would happen if she got her chance; Crystal has no such inner vision. It takes guts, work, and fortitude to be a Star...perhaps we have all just gotten too lazy. The exploration of a true gift of talent is exhausting, and our National habit of convenience at any cost is costing us a lot.

Crystal will probably win, make the rounds of all the talk shows the next couple of days....we'll see pictures of her kid and her family, and then in a few months a sellable, middle of the road single will appear just in time for the beginning of a "new" season of American Idol. Which brings me to a bigger query: has the "Reality TV" boom reached a zenith? Is it on the decline as show after show continues with the exact same formula for 8,9, or even 10 years? Remember when Survivor swept the world with it's amazing freshness and controversy? That gay guy won a million dollars? What? I was even reminded a couple of days ago that The Apprentice was once the number one show in America. Oy. Yes, I am the product of "Reality TV" myself; I am quite well aware of it. I also have had a great career before (and after) I was a part of it. It definitely helped me; but I wasn't no one or nothing before my appearance in millions of American living rooms. And our fame on the show didn't just depend on who could be the most outrageous or obnoxious. I am looking at you, New Jersey.

Has Reality TV lost it? Like Madonna and Lady Gaga, musn't it keep re-inventing itself to remain relevant, or just fresh? The beloved Project Runway has lost 32 percent of it's audience in the last two seasons. Time to re-tool? Anyone? Or just keep squeezing it until it is a dead dry rag nobody wants to watch anymore? Other shows are on their way to this end; America's Next Top Model, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Real Housewives of Whatever, and yes, even American Idol are all on their way to post-modern obscurity unless we medicate and heal patient a.s.a.p.

Soon, we'll be back to scripted TV, but it will be filled with Reality TV stars.

(PS--Don't EVEN get me started on Glambert!)

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are

Hold the phone here folks--how can the Congress, the United States and the World continue to discuss the confirmation of Elena Kagan to the US Supreme Court without mentioning the GIANT pink elephant in the room? (And I don't mean me wearing a tutu!)

That woman is a softball playing, Dinah Shore loving, cat owning, plaid wearing, power tool wielding, Playboy drooling, short haircut loving, sensible shoe wearing, Suze Orman worshipping, denim loving, Indigo Girl listening, dyed-in-the-wool carpet munching LESBIAN if ever I've seen one. And yet, so few media outlets even mention it. The morning of her nomination, I was laughing out loud at how obviously uncomfortable she looked in her matching pearl earrings and necklace. She is about as comfortable wearing jewelry as I am wearing a Speedo. Did she think she was going to stand up in front of the national news media and not get clocked in two seconds as a donut-bumper? Good lord honey, if ever there were such a thing as a "flaming lesbian" she fills the bill. I know, because I am a flaming faggot. I do not go on television and expect that people think I am straight, and just haven't found the right girl yet. Like Barry Manilow. Or Tom Cruise. Or Anderson Cooper. Come on Andy, we need you rooting for us out in the open. Tom, you can stay just where you are.

We need Elena Kagan rooting for us out in the open, too. What a breakthrough it would be (and an inspiration) for kids of all orientations to see someone living the American Dream. Out of the closet. Maybe she is a stealth bomber and realizes that she needs to keep quiet until she is confirmed. Let's hope so. She has already proven herself vocal in support of gay issues, so maybe the big announcement is on the way. Hopefully, in that fabulous Ellen way on the cover of People magazine. "Yep, I'm Gay." Wouldn't it be nice to see one of those with Ms. Kagan hugging her (not-so-secret) lover on the cover?

I'm envisioning one of those covers for lots of closeted famous folks...Ricky Martin did it and the world is still spinning along just fine. So, come on Elena, get yourself nominated, and then....Explode.

Goodbye, Doris

Sadly, on May 11th Doris Eaton Travis left the world after 106 years. I was so proud to have had a hand in bringing Doris to the New York stage one last time (see below).

If you are quiet, you can hear the silence of the end of an era.

Goodbye, Doris

Broadway Cares Easter Bonnet Competition

Long time, no blog...I know. I have been sick, moving my studio, and working on my favorite annual benefit, the Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS 24th Annual Easter Bonnet Competition. This is a big two-day show every year (sometime near Easter, but never on it!) when the big Broadway shows put together a show and compete over who makes and presents the Best Easter Bonnet. Right up my alley, I know. Nine years ago, I was approached by one of the actors in the huge hit show, "The Producers" who was familiar with my work to make their bonnet. I was nervous as hell, just a couple of months in New York and I would be competing with the big boys. I did my best, including a spinning Swastika (remember it was for "The Producers"...we were making fun of Nazis, I assure you!) and we won. They were all shocked at my 13 foot tall hat with remote control motors, and they never forgot my name. Over the years, I made 5 bonnets for "The Producers", and then I was asked to make the special opening bonnet for their 20th Anniversary show...that had a drag queen pop out the top of it(!).

Fast forward, and they asked me to appear in a "Project Runway" themed opening number, and to be a judge for the competition...what an honor. This year, they also asked me to make the special bonnet for the opening number, and to be a judge again. How could I say no? Every year, a very special lady makes an appearance at the show, and this year she was to wear the opening bonnet I was making. She is Doris Eaton Travis, the last surviving original Ziegfeld girl. And she is 106 years old. That's right: 106! I was so thrilled to make one of my contraptions for a woman who was in the show that started it all, "The Ziegfeld Follies". In my career I have gotten to visit, re-visit, and work with many institutions and people that I consider to be legendary, and today's opening number brought alot of greats together at once. I was grateful to be able to participate.

Doris is a little shaky these days, but still teaches two dance classes a week (!) so I made her a giant Easter Basket to sit in, and she was "wearing" a pair of 10 foot tall bunny ears in a "Lady Gaga" themed sketch. She came downstage to thundering applause and a standing ovation. Like Cindy Adams says, ".....only in New York kids, only in New York."

PS--The show this year raised $3.27 million. Wow...

Project Runway Finale Tonight

Who will it be? Who will win? Who will lose? I am sorry to say, I really don't feel that much about it one way or the other. Okay, screw it. This season pretty much sucked, only I'm not supposed to say that. I just feel that after so many weeks of re-tread challenges, low-budget quickie outfits, cocky assholes, TEN designers showing at Fashion Week, and the most interesting person (in my opinion) leaving the competition in the home stretch, it made for a pretty dismal season.

Quick--name your favorite challenge--?? Your favorite garment? Pretty hazy, isn't it? I don't know what went wrong with the show this season....It had all the usual suspects, plus they were back in New York. Maybe that's the problem; we've seen it too many times before. I guess that was bound to happen. And, like people, we tend to get bored of them if they always have the same thing to say. I love Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I wouldn't want to eat it everyday at every meal. Not even that new "Double Down" thing they are trying to make people stuff down their throats.

You can grill it, you can put it in a bucket, you can even stuff it between two other pieces of chicken...I think the truth is, until they make some major changes to Project Runway, no one's going to want to eat it anymore.

So, who will it be? Who will win? Who will lose? Will it be the Super-Cocky Emilio? The too-old to be a Rocker Seth-Aaron? The color-blind Mistress of Black and White Mila?

I don't know who wins; but I certainly know who loses.

Book Signing In New York Tonight!

Tonight, April 19th at 7pm I will be signing copies of my book, "I Heart Chris March".

Come on by to the Borders Books at 10 Columbus Circle!!

See you there,

Chris

Is That A Card In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I am so excited to be made into a line of greeting cards! What crazy people would do such a thing? The nice folks at NobleWorks approached me about the whole idea--and voila, you can see (and buy!) them for yourself at www.nobleworkscards.com

They took some of the images from my book (which by the way, you can also purchase on my website) photoshopped them, cropped them, gave them funny headlines, and now you can insult your friends with a Chris March original! They will soon be for sale across the country, damaging the minds of people everywhere!!

I will be making an appearance at the National Stationery Show here in NYC in May (the 16th and 17th at the Javits Center from 1 to 4pm, but I'll remind you later) to launch the new line, and meet people to sign cards and my book.

Who would have thought that breaking my neck in those headpieces would pay off one day?!!

Runway Rundown: The Emilio Controversy

I'm not going to say much about it, because I said it all in this video...


....but you can judge for yourself. The judging, that is. "Project Runway" went into the shark humping stage after they totally manipulated the outcome of last week's show, to be sure that their golden boy, Emilio, would make it to Fashion Week. Watch and see for yourself, then see if you also might think that he should have EASILY gotten eliminated for the above stripper outfit made of shocking pink cord and washers. I know, I know....reality TV is not real. Trust me--if anyone knows that, I do. But could they at least make their manipulations plausible? Because if you do the slightest research into the ratings, they are losing business right and left. Maybe THAT will perk them up.

Cuckoo for Coco

It was announced yesterday that Conan O'Brien would return to late night TV on the TBS network, bumping George Lopez to midnight while he takes over the 11 pm slot. I am so fucking happy Conan is returning to television--after the treatment he got from NBC and their favorite ass-clown, Jay Leno. Does anyone really like Jay Leno anyway? I have always considered him the iceberg lettuce of comedians--he's really boring by himself until you add bleu cheese and bacon. I probably watched less than 2 hours total of the "Tonight Show" while Jay Leno was the host. Only if the guest was just too irresistible to watch. His voice, his chin, his hair (with that one dyed-in black patch in the front so he looks "young") his motorcycle, his car collection and his Dorito ads have always bugged the hell out of me. That, and the fact that he was smug enough to think he ever deserved being on the "Tonight Show" in the first place. Maybe I am influenced by the first time I ever saw Jay Leno--25 years ago in Reno. I had to run from the building in the middle of his show and barf my guts out in the bushes.

I was sad when Conan left his New York late night spot for Los Angeles. I happened to be on their floor at 30 Rock filming some late night Bravo segment when they were unloading all their props and costumes. In front of the elevators, they just piled every thing you've ever seen on the show....the giant bowl of Nacho Cheese Dip, the Masturbating Bear costume, Pimp Bot, the collars from "the Year 2000" skits, wigs, shoes, rubber chickens and all the things they tried on the show, funny or not. That's what I love about Conan, he may not always be the funniest, but he never abandons his schtick just to be popular. And sometimes, sometimes, it is just downright hilarious in a way nothing else is. Even though NBC stripped him of some of his most popular characters in the buyout contract, we know Conan will be able to come up with some new ones, and have a blast trying. What will Jay do? Ask Miley Cyrus about her latest haircut? What an insufferable twit. Pardon me, what insufferable twits. I wish he would just disappear so we could all forget he ever existed. Like iceberg lettuce, would we really miss him?

I am counting the days until Conan starts at 11 pm, and we'll just see how many people turn the channel at 11:30.

IPhone? IPad? IGiveup.

I have had the original IPhone for almost 2 years now. It has basically replaced my computer (I don't know if that's a good thing) even though I hate typing on the tiny "virtual" keyboard. The software they came up with for that is sometimes hilarious, when it tries to figure out what you're going to spell--more than half the time when I go to sign my name it spells "Cher" for me. My friends and family would probably much rather hear from her anyway.

Recently, AT&T, the wardens of the imprisoned IPhone, were having some difficulty in my neighborhood (more specifically on my block), and my phone and all of it's "apps" (God, I hate that expression) became useless. I couldn't even call them to scream at them about my lack of service...I had to borrow a friend's phone. My phone had become as useful as a paperweight. This continued for several days, making business, communications, and plain old web-surfing as frustrating as talking between two tin cans attached with a string.

Now, they want me to go out and buy the (cue heavenly chorus) IPad. It looks like it gave birth to my IPhone. Does this thing work? All reports so far are that is doesn't really stay connected to the internet. That's like saying the brakes don't really stay connected on your car--makes it kind of useless. Still, I want to buy one, just to break free of the "big" computer, and, well, just to be "cool". How sad, really. That's how they sell millions of those suckers and nobody wants to say that it really doesn't work very well. When my phone is working at it's best, it's still a mediocre phone. Phone--isn't that in the name of this contraption? Shouldn't that be the part that works the best? If I had a dollar for every dropped call I could buy a large piece of Montana. That phone has almost made it through the window several times--I'm sure it flies well. Should I buy this overgrown IPhone? What did I do before this? Listen to people? Go out in public? Eat with two hands? Read? Watch more TV?

You know the second we all buy one, they will come out with something else--newer, faster, cheaper, cooler. What will it be?

I know--the IPorn.

Okay, It's Time For The Meryl Story

I will be terribly discreet, but so many people have asked me to elaborate on how it happened, I will share with you what has turned out to be a fairytale come true in my life. No pun intended. I had the incredible opportunity to work with the one and only Meryl Streep, and create these two dresses for her, the first for the Golden Globes, the second (gulp!) for the Academy Awards. I have been friends with her right arm and make-up/hair stylist (who has been with her for 35 years or so. Where she goes, he goes.) Roy Helland since I moved to New York about 9 years ago. Roy told me that during season 4 of "Project Runway" the cast of the movie they were working on, "Doubt", were big fans of the show, and Meryl was a big fan of mine. She and her two daughters (also big "PR" fans) came to my finale show at Bryant Park as my guests, and I received a phone call from her the next day....

"Chris?....Hi, it's Meryl!" Four words I will never forget. Meryl? Meryl Streep? My heart lept into my throat, and luckily she had a lot to say about the show so I didn't have to talk much. As if I could have. She told me how much she loved it and called me a "creative genius". I don't remember the rest of the conversation, as I had died and gone to heaven. I stumbled to say goodbye, and all I remember is hanging up and sitting on my couch without moving until the sun went down. Stupified.

Fast forward to last December, when the Golden Globe nominations came out (she was actually nominated TWICE in the same category) and Roy gave me a buzz and asked if I could come over to his house on Monday afternoon. I asked, and he gave no reason....and then he had to tell me because he knew I would faint if it remained a surprise. Meryl wanted to meet with me and discuss the possibility of making her a dress to wear at the Golden Globes. I must have turned purple, said yes, and was in a dream state for a couple of days. We met, and she is the sweetest, warmest, smartest, most normal lovely person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She wrapped her arms around me and said, "What a thrill to meet you!" Me? Meet me? I have my arms around the greatest actress of all time and she is thrilled to meet me? Like I said, an absolute fairytale. We discussed the dress, I came up with an idea that she loved, and after about five fittings, the dress is perfect and I end up just hanging out with her choosing jewelry, shoes and bags before her trip to Hollywood. Fairy. Tale. Afterwards, she brought me the most beautiful bouquet of white flowers (pictured above)...yes, she actually drove them over to my house. That's what kind of person she is.

Then, after all the hoopla over the black dress, she contacted me about the Academy Awards, and I was REALLY reeling. The Super Bowl of World Fashion. Me, dressing Meryl effing Streep. Like we're pals. Certainly, some Fairy Godmother sprinkled magic dust in my Wheaties. The dress was discussed, we came up with a plan, and several fittings later, voila....She is all over the "Best Dressed" lists. Being gay, I never hit a home run. Until that night. I will never forget it as long as I live. Meryl Streep uttered the words, "Chris March made my dress..." on the Red Carpet at the Academy Awards. In front of millions (billions?) of people. I was thrilled, humbled, proud, teary-eyed and grateful to receive such an incredible moment in my life.

Suck On This, Oprah

Tina Fey strikes gold again with her super-evil spot on spoof of everyone's favorite former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin. Sometimes people who are already so ridiculous are not easy to spoof, but Miss Fey drives the knife in over and over again in this video parody, even poking at the hand that feeds her, NBC, a couple of times. This is what I used to love about "Saturday Night Live", the irreverence. When I started watching the show (from the very first episode in 1974!) it was the most sarcastic, irreverent and non-pc thing to ever hit the airwaves. Racism, mental retardation, feminist issues, the establishment, celebrities, and NBC were always up for a good skewering--with the notion that the opportunity and the ability to do so are what freedom of speech is all about. I think this clip is hilarious, firmly believing that this is not a possibility; and that Sarah Palin couldn't possibly run for President, she's such a buffoon. Right? Right? But with Ms. Palin on Fox News, and with her own new show on TLC (which is enough to make me want to boycott their airwaves) "Sarah Palin's Alaska", who knows what will happen between now and 2012? She might be the next Oprah. For the redneck crowd. That votes. This is a scenario scarier than "Nightmare On Elm Street".

SNL helped shape my irreverent and somewhat sarcastic take on life, but like most things that were young and unfettered, it has aged into an old lady that rarely challenges or offends. Or entertains. That is why I was so happy to see this clip of Tina Fey--a glimpse backwards at the old days of the show, when opinions were stated clearly with no fear of losing advertisers or viewers. If someone was offended, so what? This is America--you are not guaranteed a safe bubble to live in. Turn the channel. If Sarah Palin runs for President in 2012, I hope Oprah runs against her...it might be our only chance.

"Corn on the Macabre": The Addams Family Opening Night

I was blessed with a ticket to the opening night on Broadway of the new musical, "The Addams Family" from my friends Joey Arias and Basil Twist. I worked on the costumes for their smash hit show, "Arias with a Twist", and Basil did the amazing puppetry that definitely adds a whimsical touch that the "Addams Family" really needed. Nathan Lane was not too Nathan Laney (you know what I mean) as Gomez, complete with fabulously corny non-pc "Spanish" accent. He shows he is an old pro, and doesn't let himself get bogged down by some of the illogical material. Bebe Neuwirth, as Morticia, is droll and dry as you might imagine, bringing her best "Lilith" bite to the part. One of my favorite numbers is her opening second act song about Death being "just around the corner....Around the coroner, get it? " She is charming, but the whole show I couldn't help imagining one thing: the most brilliant piece of fantasy casting of the 21st century....Cher as Morticia. Oh God!! Could you just die? She would be a foot taller than Gomez (like Sonny), and so incredibly bitter, droll, and creepy. As well as super-funny. Cher can deliver a one-liner with the best of them. Are you listening Producers? Cher--give her a call.

I thought the evening was charming but uneven, especially the end of act one with a painfully embarrassing number that lasts for what must be an eternity. I must mention my friend, the amazingly talented Jackie Hoffman (Hairspray, Xanadu) who plays Granmama with exquisite gross-out appeal. Too bad she doesn't get to do much, but when she does, she brings down the house. The sets are fine, even though everyone keeps going on and on about them. The inside of their house is brown? Really? Where is the black, grey, cobwebbed, exotic residence we've come to expect? The Munsters live in a creepier house. And yes, as a costume designer, I will say this about the costumes: They should have hired me. I could have taken my finale collection straight from Bryant Park onto the stage at the Lunt-Fontanne Theater and it would have been ten times more interesting. Sorry, the costumes for the principals are just serviceable, even the ghostly chorus of dead ancestors upstages them with wit and creativity. Oh well...are you listening Producers? Give me a call....

Somebody Already Took the Title I Wanted for My Blog

"Eat a Kitten"....who would take such a name? Here is why I wanted it: My friend Gordon and I used to joke about which one of us was more bitter about life. One day in our garage, he said, "If I want something warm and fuzzy, I'll eat a kitten." This line has been re-quoted between the two of us for years. My personal favorite is, "You haven't tasted bitter until you've bitten into me." So, the gist of this blog will be bitter, sarcastic, funny, and maybe a little warm and fuzzy.