Thursday, July 8, 2010
Did Freud Drink Gatorade?
Okay, so this morning I am laying in bed with my boyfriend, who happens to like drinking Gatorade after a night of making full man-love (more about that some other time), and I look up in a pre-coffee daze and see a large penis. Upon closer inspection, I realize I am not looking at my boyfriend, but an empty bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand. After all these years, how did it never dawn on me that this bottle is so blatantly phallic? I thought I was gayer than that (watch it!). The bottle looks exactly like a short, thick, squatty penis with a perfectly formed head (see pics above). And people got upset about Joe Camel? You actually put this thing up to your lips and drink from it. Delicious. Who could possibly have that shape of penis, you ask?
Well, in the gay community, this type of penis is referred to as:
a) Beer Can
b) Fire Hydrant
c) Jaw Breaker
In the straight community, I believe this type of penis is referred to as "Ryan Seacrest". I am suddenly so tickled by the idea of major athletes and young stud-muffin hetero boys guzzling greedily from their penis-substitute bottles. Didn't they ever notice? Or is that part of the subliminal ad campaign? Once they realize that they have been blowing their bottles of Gatorade, will they boycott it?
I know I see everything through my pair of Gay Goggles, but really--come on fellas. Take a look. And then try to put that big, fat, hard object up to your mouth without feeling at least a little gay. Freud would have had a field day with this thing--forget cigars and bananas, my manly thirst needs quenching...now! So if you're gay, straight, Tom Cruise or Ryan Seacrest, get out there and play the game. Remember--it's not whether you win or lose--it's if you swallow.
I've always said the straight world has it wrong--gays don't hate sports; we just don't want to leave the locker room.
Seeya soon, Chris