Mad Men Jib-Jab Movie!! Starring Me and Meryl Streep!

Click HERE to watch!

MAD MEN Premiere July 25th in Times Square NYC

It's that time again! The world can rejoice that the best show on television returns for it's fourth season. And I don't mean "Keeping up with the Krackheads", either. It's Mad Men! Big Daddy Don Draper, along with Peggy, Betty, Trudy, Pete, Burt, Roger, and the ever-luscious Joan are beaming their way from 1964 into our living rooms for an exciting new season.

Yes, I will be making an appearance at the Times Square Premiere (yippee!) as a judge for the 1960's costume contest that takes place right before they play the first episode on the jumbo screen. So put on your finest garb and join us on the New Frontier...

Click here for details.

Did Freud Drink Gatorade?

Okay, so this morning I am laying in bed with my boyfriend, who happens to like drinking Gatorade after a night of making full man-love (more about that some other time), and I look up in a pre-coffee daze and see a large penis. Upon closer inspection, I realize I am not looking at my boyfriend, but an empty bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand. After all these years, how did it never dawn on me that this bottle is so blatantly phallic? I thought I was gayer than that (watch it!). The bottle looks exactly like a short, thick, squatty penis with a perfectly formed head (see pics above). And people got upset about Joe Camel? You actually put this thing up to your lips and drink from it. Delicious. Who could possibly have that shape of penis, you ask?

Well, in the gay community, this type of penis is referred to as:

a) Beer Can

b) Fire Hydrant

c) Jaw Breaker

In the straight community, I believe this type of penis is referred to as "Ryan Seacrest". I am suddenly so tickled by the idea of major athletes and young stud-muffin hetero boys guzzling greedily from their penis-substitute bottles. Didn't they ever notice? Or is that part of the subliminal ad campaign? Once they realize that they have been blowing their bottles of Gatorade, will they boycott it?

I know I see everything through my pair of Gay Goggles, but really--come on fellas. Take a look. And then try to put that big, fat, hard object up to your mouth without feeling at least a little gay. Freud would have had a field day with this thing--forget cigars and bananas, my manly thirst needs quenching...now! So if you're gay, straight, Tom Cruise or Ryan Seacrest, get out there and play the game. Remember--it's not whether you win or lose--it's if you swallow.

I've always said the straight world has it wrong--gays don't hate sports; we just don't want to leave the locker room.

Seeya soon, Chris

Self Loathing Is Alive And Well In America

No, Nene, no! How could you have done it? What kind of world do we live in where this (formerly) gorgeous woman could look in the mirror and feel such self-loathing about her "ethnic" looking nose that she had a doctor hack into it and make her look like a drag queen at a Mary J. Blige look-alike contest? This "Real" Housewife of Atlanta is now "really" unappealing.

Oh, Nene.....I am stupified. There is no going back from this one, honey. I know how hard it is to keep your name alive in the public psyche, but this kind of stunt is just disgusting. Is she using Heidi Montag as a role model now? Aaaack!! I am so upset. I guest the next stop is Michael Jackson-Land. Will she start bleaching her skin next? What a sad commentary on how shallow and distant we have become from loving our real selves the way they are.

I am going to text Andy Cohen to see if he will talk about this on tonight's "Watch What Happens Live" on Bravo. Maybe he can even get her on the phone to explain her self-mutilating actions. I almost feel like she wants to look thinner without losing weight, or she wants to change her identity because of her (now publicly discovered) dubious parentage.

Goodbye to the old Nene, we'll miss you.

American Midol

I came to watch American Idol very late this season....last week as a matter of fact. And before that, a couple of seasons ago. Why? Just not that interesting. I tend to ask friends who are fans if I am missing anything, and then decide to watch or not. Having worked in theater for many years with some of the best fucking voices you will ever hear, I am super picky about singing talent. American Idol is supposed ("supposed") to bring us the very best the country has to offer. Really? It has become more like the best the country has to offer who will make a fool of themselves on TV for millions of dollars. The singing at the end of this season has been better than some, but let's face it, AI is jumping rope with the shark. They depended on the cutey cutester good looks of Lee Dewyze and that long blonde buffoon boy to keep us interested, while the dreaded dread-lock monster Crystal Bowersox (should have changed your name, honey!) swept the floor with them using her Janis Joplin-lite singing persona.

Crystal has knocked a couple of performances out of the ballpark, and if she doesn't win, it will be another manipulation of the outcome to suit the suits in charge of demographics, sales numbers, and Q ratings. She has stood out from the beginning, with her "I made my own dread-locks from yarn" look down to her own personal 5-foot tall bong microphone stand. Plus, she has more natural musicality and vocal talent than all the others combined. And yet, she isn't THAT astonishing. I wouldn't buy her album on ITunes, I wouldn't pay to see her sing in person; she just isn't that engaging. What ever happened to the people who wanted to be "Stars" with a capital "S"? That type that has waited their entire life to step onto a stage and change the world with one note? Perhaps that was left to the amazing Susan Boyle, who changed the world and millions of people in it with a 3-minute act of bravery. She KNEW what would happen if she got her chance; Crystal has no such inner vision. It takes guts, work, and fortitude to be a Star...perhaps we have all just gotten too lazy. The exploration of a true gift of talent is exhausting, and our National habit of convenience at any cost is costing us a lot.

Crystal will probably win, make the rounds of all the talk shows the next couple of days....we'll see pictures of her kid and her family, and then in a few months a sellable, middle of the road single will appear just in time for the beginning of a "new" season of American Idol. Which brings me to a bigger query: has the "Reality TV" boom reached a zenith? Is it on the decline as show after show continues with the exact same formula for 8,9, or even 10 years? Remember when Survivor swept the world with it's amazing freshness and controversy? That gay guy won a million dollars? What? I was even reminded a couple of days ago that The Apprentice was once the number one show in America. Oy. Yes, I am the product of "Reality TV" myself; I am quite well aware of it. I also have had a great career before (and after) I was a part of it. It definitely helped me; but I wasn't no one or nothing before my appearance in millions of American living rooms. And our fame on the show didn't just depend on who could be the most outrageous or obnoxious. I am looking at you, New Jersey.

Has Reality TV lost it? Like Madonna and Lady Gaga, musn't it keep re-inventing itself to remain relevant, or just fresh? The beloved Project Runway has lost 32 percent of it's audience in the last two seasons. Time to re-tool? Anyone? Or just keep squeezing it until it is a dead dry rag nobody wants to watch anymore? Other shows are on their way to this end; America's Next Top Model, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Real Housewives of Whatever, and yes, even American Idol are all on their way to post-modern obscurity unless we medicate and heal patient a.s.a.p.

Soon, we'll be back to scripted TV, but it will be filled with Reality TV stars.

(PS--Don't EVEN get me started on Glambert!)

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are

Hold the phone here folks--how can the Congress, the United States and the World continue to discuss the confirmation of Elena Kagan to the US Supreme Court without mentioning the GIANT pink elephant in the room? (And I don't mean me wearing a tutu!)

That woman is a softball playing, Dinah Shore loving, cat owning, plaid wearing, power tool wielding, Playboy drooling, short haircut loving, sensible shoe wearing, Suze Orman worshipping, denim loving, Indigo Girl listening, dyed-in-the-wool carpet munching LESBIAN if ever I've seen one. And yet, so few media outlets even mention it. The morning of her nomination, I was laughing out loud at how obviously uncomfortable she looked in her matching pearl earrings and necklace. She is about as comfortable wearing jewelry as I am wearing a Speedo. Did she think she was going to stand up in front of the national news media and not get clocked in two seconds as a donut-bumper? Good lord honey, if ever there were such a thing as a "flaming lesbian" she fills the bill. I know, because I am a flaming faggot. I do not go on television and expect that people think I am straight, and just haven't found the right girl yet. Like Barry Manilow. Or Tom Cruise. Or Anderson Cooper. Come on Andy, we need you rooting for us out in the open. Tom, you can stay just where you are.

We need Elena Kagan rooting for us out in the open, too. What a breakthrough it would be (and an inspiration) for kids of all orientations to see someone living the American Dream. Out of the closet. Maybe she is a stealth bomber and realizes that she needs to keep quiet until she is confirmed. Let's hope so. She has already proven herself vocal in support of gay issues, so maybe the big announcement is on the way. Hopefully, in that fabulous Ellen way on the cover of People magazine. "Yep, I'm Gay." Wouldn't it be nice to see one of those with Ms. Kagan hugging her (not-so-secret) lover on the cover?

I'm envisioning one of those covers for lots of closeted famous folks...Ricky Martin did it and the world is still spinning along just fine. So, come on Elena, get yourself nominated, and then....Explode.

Goodbye, Doris

Sadly, on May 11th Doris Eaton Travis left the world after 106 years. I was so proud to have had a hand in bringing Doris to the New York stage one last time (see below).

If you are quiet, you can hear the silence of the end of an era.

Goodbye, Doris